I slit the throat of your confidence.

Today a good friend of mine, Sonja Davidson, leaves to move to Japan, for a year. I never realized how much I loved her until now."You'll never realize how much someone means to you until you lose them ((or something))," right? What an amazing person. She is so strong. One of my best friends, Jessie, is now living in Loveland, and is miserable. I think it's just the transition, but it kills me seeing such a happy person hurt so much. I cry when she tells me she doesn't even feel like living anymore. She tells me she doesn't even know God anymore, and she feels that He is so disappointed in her. I wish she would listen to me when I tell her that He will never forsake her, no matter what happens. Cortney & I haven't spent time together once this summer except for our camping trip. Not even phone calls. We used to be connected at the hip, basically, and talk on the phone all night long. I don't know what's happening. Jenny T & Nikki have formed a bond that I used to be a part of. I know it's mostly my fault, and they feel like they've been replaced in my life by Sydney. In fact, everyone does. That's all I hear these days. "You and syd are so close lately that it seems like I don't even matter anymore." No one really understands though. I have problems in my life too, and Sydney's been helping me immensely. We're going through a lot of the same things, so why not go through them together, right? It's easier to talk and vent to someone who knows what I'm going through. I can't talk to Nikki and Jenny T about my struggles in my faith when they have no spiritual basis to stand on anymore. I can't talk to someone about how much I miss Phil when they don't know him like Sydney and I do. She's been there for me, and that means so much to me. I wish me and Jenny T could do bible studies together at her house again. And I wish Nikki and I could pull an all-nighter and watch the sunrise while doing devotions and talking about how much we love Jesus. I hate how I've grown apart from them. How they've grown apart from me. I wish they knew how much I miss them. Phil's moving to Texas in 15 days. Sydney tells me it's not worth it to cry about him anymore, and that we'll be like we used to someday, whether it's when he comes home, or while he's gone, or when we get to heaven. I hate missing someone so much when they live less than a mile away. It really hurts me that he would tell someone that I think i'm too good for everyone, and then talk to me right after like I mean something to him. I want to be close with everyone like i used to. I want to disappear for a while, so things can go back to normal. So the time I haven't spent with people can be equal. So people can stop thinking that Sydney and I are arrogant. So I can work things out with God. So I can stop crying. But we don't always get what we want.