Sure, theres nothing wrong behind this cute outfit & big bright smile, right guys? It's FAKE. Not even the people who call me by the name, best friend, notice me hurting. Sure, everyone says, "Hey, how are you!?"...But who really means it? I just tell people what they want and expect to hear. For the first time tonight at youth group in a while, I felt like a stranger in a place i've known for so long as my home.
Who really notices that I go & hide in the shadows & cry til I'm at ease, during worship? I know I go and re-apply my 'mask' before anyone can see my eyeliner stained face in the bright lights, but aren't the red eyes a good enough give-away? What am I saying?..people are probably just so used to seeing me in this condition that it's just the usual. Sometimes I just wish someone with a car would come to rescue me from this hell some people like to refer to as a home. I wish I was someone who could say, "I just want to go home, and sleep in my own bed." But really, I have no reason to. I often wish for a big brother, I've used up a few shooting stars and birthday wishes on that one. I just want someone who can hold me when I'm about ready to collapse..like now..Cause I know my mom isn't, or my sister, or dad, and ya know, wheres that best friend eh? I know I nag people all the time to wear their seatbelts, but that's just because I care for their safety. Honestly, I often ride without a seatbelt purposely when I'm with my parents, because having them witness me crash through the windshield doesn't sound like half bad of an idea. I wonder what they'd think..How they'd react... Would they care? Would they miss me? I'm not suicidal, nor do I constantly think about death, It's just hard to see why God would keep me here in such conditions when I could be in a perfect place called heaven. I know, I know...have hope.. hold on, it'll be over soon enough. I've heard it a million times, and apparently I am "holding on & having hope," but I guess it's a little hard to keep your hopes up when you can't see the light in a dark tunnel. Don't think I'm depressed...PLEASE. I don't think like this all the time, thought it does happen on occasion, I guess I just get weary...In a sense, jaded..And as of now, this is how I'm feeling. So I thought I'd post it, for really no reason at all..
2 comments:
Now I know why God put you in my life...all that stuff I could never explain before makes sense.
Jennifer Brookes,
my heart breaks when i read this post. i know its from a couple days ago (i have been slacking in reading blogs) but i am praying for you my dear. i know how some of the things you wrote about feel, i feel like we are so much alike on the inside but dont like to just slap people in the face with that side of us.
you are an amazing and beautiful girl and i have grown to love you more and more each day.
i remember a couple wednesdays ago, i turned around in worship and saw you sitting in the corner turned around the other way so no one could see you and my heart broke. i am so sorry i didnt come pray or talk to you, but jenny i see those times you think no one does. i guess i was just to scared to approach you that night, and i am sorry. it is so hard right now, and if i had the power i would change so much to see you smile and know it is real and true.
i want to be able to talk to you more often, because i see so much more inside of you that i want to know about, and try to help you with. the ways we seem to connect and be the same is quite cool and i want you to know i am here whenever you need me.
please please PLEASE never feel like you are a bother, or me giving you a ride home or anywhere for that matter bugs me, cuz it doesnt. i am able to do whatever you want, i would love to help in any way i can. please just talk away when you need someone to talk to. and PLEASE call me whenever you need to get out of your house. i know things get crazy, and if you do need to go somewhere, you are always welcome in my house. and if for some reason your not(highly doubtful) i will keep you in my room and you can sleep in my bed for days.
haha
well i love you
dont forget it
God loves you, so so so very much
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