New kid on the block

wow. it feels good to be consumed by something on the internet other than myspace. that thing is awfully sickening. I really don't know what I'm doing with this. I hesitated making a blog at first, because i knew that it was going to be a bit like what i journal, and my journal is just my thoughts, and those thoughts, aren't always pleasantly happy. And I didn't want people reading them, only causing them to have my stupid thoughts on their minds along with their thoughts that are rather unpleasant. But I decided to go for it anyways because i often wish someone would know what i'm thinking day to day. But i'm not doing this as a plead for more attention by writing some of the things i may write, or advice, or any reply at all, i just like knowing that my thoughts are open for anyone to read.

I basically know who's most likely going to be reading this, which is about 3 people, if even, but I might as well tell a bit about myself anyways, right guys? well then, where to start? umm, I'm Jenny B. From California, but not much of a 'Cali girl'...not much of a girl at all, meaning you don't find me being too girly for the most part. I get a little annoyed when i'm around females who are too girly for their own good. Like, the ones who freak out when they see a bug. I understand with spiders, but c'mon ladies, get over it. Or the ones who get their hopes up about some hott babe, and when things don't work out their way, they think their lives are ruined. Often times, its the girls who are big drama queens. I must say, I'm friends many, MANY girls like this, but theres only so much of them I can stand.

I'm infatuated with creation. Rain, stars, mountains, oceans, flowers...all of it. I love the way everything smells after it rains. I love stargazing with someone to talk to. I seem to have some of the best memories while looking at the stars, conversation wise. I can't wait until summer to be able to do it again every night.

I love Jesus. I love knowing that I have a higher authority over me that I can actually be proud to call my own. I love going to church. Maybe not as much as I used to, maybe not at all as much as i used to, but I still love it. I guess you could say that a lot of the reason why I'm still at the Vineyard is because of the people there. Of course I'm there to worship God, and learn more about Him, but I don't need any specific place to worship God, and all that I need to know about Him is summed up in my handy dandy bible of mine. But some of the people there are amazing. I love all the friends I have there, and the relationships that we have/had. My life has developed so much there. I met Jesus there. I was babtised there, with those people. For the first time ever, I'd felt intimate with God while being there. Relationships with people that are important to me have developed and faded there. I don't think I could ever leave that place for good.

I have a family, in which I love. I may not show it all the time, nor may I show my respect for them, but it's there. My mom and I sometimes get along, but thats usually when she feels bad for me or shes talking about some guy she likes, or we're around other people outside of the fam. Sometimes I wonder how she turned out the way she did after highschool. She was in just about every club she was allowed in, best friends with everyone, straight A student, homecoming queen; But then I see her now, and that seems too unlikely. Honestly, I see my mom and she just seems like someone who lacks a lot of common sense, and can be extremely immature about things, but I still care about her. I don't see my dad much anymore. Theres just no time, and I don't really like going to his house much anyways. I don't think i've gone a weekend over there without fighting with him at least once, none the less had a phone call where we don't argue with each other... And that doesn't exactly make me look forward to my next encounter with him. My stepmom can be a big fat jerk sometimes, but shes nice to me when my dads being a punk, or if shes had alchohol. I feel bad for my 5-year old stepstister, Kaitlyn, all the time. She has to put up with living with them every day of her young life. Sometimes it makes me cry when I go over there after not seeing her for a month or so, to find out that shes learned how to tie her shoes, or snap. I wish I was in her life more. I cry just about everytime that I go over there, and she runs to jump on me and hug me, and she tells me how much she misses me. I wish she knew how much I really love her, but I feel so guilty knowing that the reason I don't see her as much as I'd like to is because I'm selfish, and I choose to skip going over there just because I can't always put up with being around that family. I have an 18 year old sister, Allison. She's crazy. We fight all the time, but we surprisingly get along a lot too. I bet we'd get along better if she would quit wearing all my clothes, and If i'd quit taking her make-up all the time, but I doubt that'll ever happen. She has no life outside of her boyfriend, and its pathetic. Almost so pathetic that its disgusting, and some of you know what I mean by that. Shes determined to get married to him someday. haha. What a joke.

I love my friends. I love being able to talk on the phone with Cortney, but sometimes be totally silent for a few minutes, while we totally forget that we were even talking to each other, so we just hang up, and I love how that isn't a problem for us. I love staying up talking with friends all night, sometimes about nothing, sometimes just about old memories. I gossip way too much for my own good. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyways. I don't gossip in a way that its like im starting rumors about people, but with some of my friends, all we ever have to talk about IS other people. I often wish I had someone to call a BEST friend, but I guess you could say that in a sense, i've given up on finding one. I've been let down by too many of them in the past, and I don't like the feeling broken. That's probably because I expect too much out of a 'best friend', and I hate that about me. I raise the bar way too high, for any relationship that I have. I can never even find a guy thats right for me, cause I'm too picky. But sometimes, i think i just use that as an excuse to cover up that I'm just scared. I already know that I'll be disappointed with the outcome of any dating relationship that happens right now. I'm too scared of being distracted from things i should be focused on my dating, or losing something that i already had before, or being left with a broken heart. What can I say? I AM a girl, after all. But thats also the case for me and friends. I just want a best friend, but when people fall short of my stupid expectations, I'm too let down. But I'm just stupid like that.

I feel like i'm not saying the things i intended on saying when I began this, but that's probably because I'm so tired that I can't even think straight.

I'm sorry if you're one of the poor people who read through all of that. It's just a bunch of nothingness talking about my measly life. But I also apologize for future posts. Many will be long, so watch out. And sorry, but I'm not going to even attempt to turn my blogs into anything super creative and poetic. I'll just end up making a fool of myself. So for now, I'll just be rambling.

I'm tired, to the max, so sorry this was a waste of your reading time.